Happy Father’s Day, dads!
It’s Father’s Day weekend and so across Westman, and across the country, dads will be treated to cold beer and juicy steaks, a quiet afternoon of golf, or some special time with the kids. We start another Father’s Day column with the top 10 things you’ll never hear a dad say:
10. "Well, how ’bout that? I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions."
9. "You know Pumpkin, now that you’re 13, you’ll be ready to start dating boys who drive. Won’t that be fun?"
8. "I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that."
7. "Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!"
6. "What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating’s not good enough for you, son?"
5. "Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party."
4. "Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — ya know — that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks."
3. "No son of mine is going to live under this roof without a nose earring. Now quit your bellyaching, and let’s go to the mall."
2."What do you wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend."
1. "What do I want for Father’s Day? Aahh — don’t worry about that. It’s no big deal." (OK, they might say it. But they don’t mean it.)
When it comes to gifts, this year make it a special one by getting your dad some cologne — that smells like barbecue. There’s a new fragrance out there from the guys at Pork Barrel BBQ. Simply called Que, it smells like "smoked meat and sweet summer sweat." One of the designers says the idea was pretty basic: When people get their barbecued beef, one of the first things they say is, "’Wow, that smells good."
So they bottled it and will sell it. A two-ounce bottle will set you back $25 (shipping is free).
Pork Barrel BBQ first hit the national scene on the ABC show Shark Tank, the US version of CBC’s Dragon’s Den. They struck a deal, and have been promoting their business ever since. The company has three award-winning sauces and now the so-called "fragrance."
I love the smell, but somehow the thought of wanting to gnaw on my own arm in a time of extreme hunger just feels wrong.
Gifts to "STEER CLEAR" of:
1. Socks. Why do so many people think dad wants socks? I mean, he buys them all year long when he needs them so why do we think that we need to buy him more when Christmas/Birthday/Dad’s Day comes around? Socks show no thought on your part and that isn’t a good thing when you’re trying to make dad feel special. Unless those socks have Jets tickets inside (hint hint).
2. Ties. Seriously, how many ties does your dad really need? No originality at all in this gift. All this gift does is show that you waited until the last minute and then grabbed something for him on your way out of the store. Nice. Maybe he can use it to tie 2x4s together coming home from the hardware store.
3. Stuffed animals. While you may think these are cute, this is a no-no for Christmas, or Father’s Day, or anything else. Please, if you see one of these, move right past it and on to another Christmas gift for your dad. The only stuffed animal dad wants is a real one, as in deer, moose, elk or bear. And he wants to stuff that himelf.
4. Any get-fit gadget. Let’s not remind dad that he’s gained a little weight. Let him be happy on Father’s Day and not be all worried about what he looks like. Buy clothes just a little too big so he feels good about himself, in fact, maybe ask him if he lost weight. I know he hasn’t, but he will love you for it.
5. Anything that says "World’s Greatest Dad." These seem cute and thoughtful, right? Wrong! These are not thoughtful for your dad. This screams, "I waited until the last minute because I don’t care that much about you — hope you like it."
If you absolutely must give him a gift like this, at least make it yourself. I have many ‘Dad’ mugs, pictures, ashtrays (but don’t smoke) and a variety of other nick-nacks, but all are home made. Also there is an age restriction on this. I’m 38 and making my dad a mug that looks like a five-year-old did it is just kinda sad. (I know, I tried.)
However if you dad is an original grill master, I found two prime web-based companies that will ship SUPER OUTRAGEOS Quality steaks to dad. Probably too late this year. But good to keep in mind for next:
Wagyu Long-Bone Ribeye. Price: $199 for two. This 32-ounce rib eye is attached to a 10-inch bone that keeps the meat moist as it cooks. They also have Newfoundland Lobster tails, $160 for eight. DANGER: Do not visit their website if you’re hungry.
For meat lovers, this company and its website is like kids visiting a Toys R Us, a beer-lover being shown the factory at Molson, or a shoe-lover shown Celine Dion’s 900-square-foot shoe closet. It is amazing, and it is all meat.
Founded in 1893, the Chicago company sells to steakhouses such as Del Frisco’s and Morton’s. One of the best on this continent, but it will cost you. They ship to Canada, but it is pricey. The web address: allenbrothers.com
Lion Chops. Price: $37 a pound. Not into lion? This online meat source based in San Antonio, sells 38 varieties, including alligator, kangaroo, turtle, wild boar, and even diamondback rattlesnake. CAUTION: Not as tasty as the Allen Brothers site, they sell meat from virtually any animal and some are cute and cuddly, such as rabbit and lamb. So if you’re a man with a big heart and soft spot for cuddly animals, maybe stay with the other site if you’re going to fantasize about the ideal steak. Web address: exoticmeats.com
To my Dad, Victor, happy Father’s Day, dad. Thanks for teaching me that "everyone should be treated with respect. To not judge based on stuff we see or hear, but what people do."
I end with one of my dad’s favorite sayings: "Everyone of us is the same. Even the Queen lets one rip now and again."
To all the dads about to rock, we salute you!
JOKE This Week
A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad.’ With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table.
Cathy Arthurson Tegumiar
Sandra A Stadnyk
Republished from the Brandon Sun print edition June 16, 2012