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Dumb diets for 2014

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Eleven days into the New Year, and how’s your resolution doing?

Studies show that a whopping 85 per cent of us don't keep our resolutions for very long. Most have all but abandoned them by Valentine’s Day.

Want to beat the odds?

First off you'll have a higher success rate if you pick just one resolution.

Another idea new this year with the prevalence of social media is the "embarrassment strategy." Sounds awful doesn’t it? Who wants to be embarrassed on purpose?

But according to researchers — likely at Facebook — people who share their goals with their social media friends are more likely to be successful, due to the fear of embarrassment from failure.

This year, instead of picking the usual resolution, why not pick something fun? You could...

• Get a tattoo

• Have someone else pick a resolution for you

• Ignore everyone you can't stand until they leave you alone for good

• Travel to a non-English-speaking country with no grand plan

• Decide to tell nothing but the truth, regardless of the consequences

• Eat nothing but your favourite food for a month

But since losing weight is the top resolution this year and ever year, let’s look at some of the more ridiculous ways to lose weight.

Here’s the Top 10 worst we’ve heard of, and yes people in our area of actually tried these (except number 1. I’ve never hear of anyone trying it personally, and that’s a really good thing.) I hope you’re doing it "the healthy way" and not like these idiots:

10. The Stone Age Diet

Very similar to Atkins or Mediterranean diet. The Stone Age Diet, Cave Man Diet or Hunter-Gatherer Diet. It’s what we all ate before there were big grocery stores with processed foods. So the diet consists of wild meat, fish, nuts, fruits and vegetables. Why this is stupid: critics say that the diet misses out on key nutrients with the exclusion of whole grains, legumes and dairy. This could lead to weakened bones. It could also lead to reduced vocabulary and increase in cave man/woman grunting noises. Bad idea.

9. Master Cleanse

Thanks to singers like Beyonce, women around the world think diets like this are ok, when they’re not. Remember your parents saying, "If Timmy jumped off a cliff would you?" This rule applies here. Also known as the Lemonade Diet or the Maple Syrup Diet, it involves subsisting on a concoction of lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper and water for 10 to 40 days. Why this is stupid: Experts warn that following this program can lead to dangerous blood-sugar levels, vitamin deficiencies, and loss of muscle tissue. What Beyonce leaves out of this equation is the six hours a day she dedicates to the gym regardless of what she eats. If you and I could afford six hours for a gym and trainer, we would not be having this discussion and my column would be on another topic. Bad idea.

8. Cabbage Soup Diet

Seven days of bowl after bowl after bowl after bowl of unlimited cabbage soup.

Why this is stupid: Cutting out entire food groups causes vitamin and mineral deficiencies. This diet could also be called the "my bathroom is my friend diet" or the "oh my god why does my house smell so bad diet", or the "get outta my way I gotta use the bathroom for the 18th time today diet". Bad idea.

7. Grapefruit Diet

This one involves eating half a grapefruit before each meal. It’s claimed that grapefruits have fat-busting enzymes that speed up weight loss. Why this is stupid: While making fruit part of your diet is smart, so is drinking a glass of water before each meal. That is really all this does, is fill you up in a good way before you eat. However if you eat your half a grapefruit then eat a pound of bacon for breakfast, grapefruit and six burgers for lunch and half a grapefruit and 10 pizzas for supper, its probably not going to work. Bad idea.

6. Cookie Diet

Kim Kardashian was sued by the company that came up with this diet after calling it "unhealthy." Jersey Shore Star Snooki, however, has jumped on board, saying, "I actually noticed that celebrities were taking Dr. Siegal’s Cookie Diet and I thought, 'This has got to work.’" Why this is stupid: This diet says exercise is not only not needed, but it’s not recommended. Also the people doing this are only allowed 800 calories a day. Wouldn’t that be the one black wafer I’ve pulled off my Oreo? Or half my chocolate chip cookie? I mean just look at cookie monster. He’s overweight, he’s got buggy eyes and the diet has increased his hair growth and he’s blue. Bad idea.

5. Baby Food Diet

Jennifer Aniston says she never did this diet, but the rumour was she make it popular. The diet is servings of pureed food 14 times a day. Why this is stupid: Have you seen what this stuff looks like. All the flavors are "green mush". Mixed vieggies? Green mush. Chicken and rice? Green mush. There’s also not much protein for adults so you’ll have "baby muscles" in no time. However eating anything with a bib is always fun.

4. Feast and Famine diet

Many are claiming to lose 10-20 pounds a month by simply eating anything you want on day one, followed by fasting on day two. Gorge, then water and celery. Why this is stupid: a diet where you can have anything you want on day one, followed by nothing sounds somewhat logical from a calorie standpoint. You eat all your calories on day one and day two is speant suffering. However this can lead to weight GAIN if you are eating three days of calories in one day, and such blood sugar spikes could lead to serious even dire health problems. Bad idea.

3. Red Bull Diet

A New Zealand mother came up with this brain child: eating next to nothing and drinking 10 to 14 cans of the energy drink each day. Why this is stupid: She lost 99 pounds. Then dropped dead of a heart attack. Doesn’t sound very fun. Bad idea.

2. The Cigarette Diet

Cigarette companies used to advertise smoking as a weight loss tool. Lucky Strike cigarette ads advocated, "Light a Lucky and you’ll never miss sweets that make you fat." Why this is stupid: Two words: lung cancer. Between Red Bull and cigarettes we could invent the "I truly hate my heart, and I want to simply depart my chubby body for heaven diet." Bad idea.

1. The Tapeworm Diet

This is disgusting so you can understand how I won’t go into the gory details. I will say this: when you’ve reached your goal weight, you take an antibiotic that kills the tapeworm. Why this is stupid: If I have to explain why this is the dumbest diet ever, you’ve got bigger issues than weight loss. This is not gummy worms, but real ones. I would love to be eavesdropping at a party when a woman who lost 75 pounds explains this one to a friend over a glass of wine. Yuk. Bad idea.

JOKE THIS WEEK

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Winnipeg. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water."

The dietician went on, "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all; and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and replied, "Wedding cake?"

BIRTHDAYS

Riley Yanchycki

Mary Pearen Holden

Murray Blight

Nicole Koss

Kayla Fallis

Tracy Fedak-Fenty

Charlene Bonchuk

Anna Johnson

Patricia Fowler

Bill Hillman

Jenna Smid

Gail Daeninck

Joe Safronetz

Murray Blight

Angela Gower

Natalia Thompson-Hutton

Derek Klassen

Austin E. McKay

Kayla Fallis

Caroline Wells

Aydyn Roberts

Shaun Alexander

Republished from the Brandon Sun print edition January 11, 2014

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Eleven days into the New Year, and how’s your resolution doing?

Studies show that a whopping 85 per cent of us don't keep our resolutions for very long. Most have all but abandoned them by Valentine’s Day.

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Eleven days into the New Year, and how’s your resolution doing?

Studies show that a whopping 85 per cent of us don't keep our resolutions for very long. Most have all but abandoned them by Valentine’s Day.

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