Happy birthday to me — yippee. I’m saying that sarcastically of course.
Remember when your birthday was actually something you looked forward to, something you celebrated? From age five-13 it was like a second Christmas. Party, friends, cake and your favourite food, and friends. Thirteen-18 was a step closer to a car, a step closer to freedom, and a step closer to adult life.
Eighteen-28 were the real good adult birthdays, as we celebrated all night with friends, believing our youth would last forever. Then 30 hit.
And soon for me 40.
Now it’s just another reminder that I’m getting closer to the end of my ride on this rock they call Earth. I find birthdays depressing. Especially depressing with today’s cake and candles, since is it’s my last one in my 30s.
Someone once said "Youth is wasted on the young" and the older you get, the more true that statement becomes.
Why is it that time speeds up the older you get? It’s like a roll of toilet paper. The more you use, the faster it goes.
When I was 13, summer lasted forever. Now I just get the lawn chair out and barbecue going and it’s time for back to school, Halloween, and oh yeah, Christmas. Didn’t we just have Christmas? It’s soon Christmas time again?
What is it like for a senior who’s 80? Does Christmas seem like it’s every other day since the calendar moves so fast?
The first of my faculties to go is my hearing. I can see well, and everything else for the most part is still working OK (knock on wood). But the hearing is not so good. I think it’s all those years playing music on the radio far too loud.
But it does come in handy. When the kids are too loud, or my wife is saying something that isn’t life threatening, or even if it’s just a salesperson at the door. I can just smile and nod. Nobody knows the difference.
However, visitors to my house immediately know something’s up when they have to scream at me over the football game. I tell them it feels like I’m at the game when it’s loud, when the truth is, my hearing is going.
I’m becoming an old man. I have to accept it. Soon I’ll be in line at the drugstore for Metamucil and little purple pills, buying prune juice on special, and pulling my pants up under my armpits. After all, Viagra is not a bad thing. In fact, there are many different pills young and old alike can take from the Viagra family, to help with everyday chores and challenges. For example:
• Directra: Given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 per cent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 per cent.
• Projectra: If you are given this experimental new drug, you are far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting anew one.
• Childagra: Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents".
• Complimentra: In clinical trials, 82 per cent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
• Buyagra: Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favourite store's return limit.
• Flyagra: This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
Oh well. It’s my last 30 something birthday. Next up the big 4-0. I think I’ll spend the next 12 months planning some kind of party. So I can age gracefully next year, and simply embrace old age, like so many before me have. After all, Tracy always reminds me, age is just a number. I’m only as old as I feel. So I know I’m getting old when:
• My best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
• The end of my tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of my pants.
• My ears are hairier than my head.
• Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
• My knees buckle and your belt won't.
• You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
• "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
• Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
• Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.
• Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
• Your doctor doesn't give you X-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
• A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.
• Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
• You and your teeth don't sleep together.
• It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
• pharmacists send you Christmas cards.
• You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
• You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
• You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
• Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
• You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
• You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
• Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
• The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
• You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya." (or they call the Brandon Fire Department)
JOKE This Week
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
The man says, "And the Viagra?"
"Keeps him from rolling out of bed."
Donna Melnychuk Duggan
Republished from the Brandon Sun print edition September 29, 2012