Tomorrow at the Victoria Inn, engaged couples from across Westman will venture into Brandon for the Westman Wedding Expo. And if you’re one of the rare people who is now engaged, but have never been to a wedding, there’s something you need to know.
Weird and crazy people will come to your wedding. If you don’t know any weird and crazy people, the weird and crazy one is probably you!
There will never be a day in your life that requires more planning, more work, more anxiety, stress, fun and fulfillment than your wedding day. The saying is something borrowed and something blue, but the saying should actually be "something will go right and something will go wrong."
Actually more than one thing will go wrong.
Actually, the goal is to just have more go right than wrong. And 90 per cent of the time, it has to do with the people you’ve asked to be part of this magical day.
Do you know any of these people?
Are YOU any of these people?
The underdressed guest
I know you like your Iron Maiden shirt, but this is a wedding. Would it hurt to toss the jeans you wore to change the oil in your car into the trash? And I know you love to say "Jesus had long hair too" at every chance, but c’mon. The ensemble is just not working.
The unannounced speech maker
After five Bacardi, nine Corona, four Jose Quervo and seven Jack Daniel’s, with all those names it sounds like he’s ready to have a party with his own guest list. Problem is, all those names have allowed him to be seven feet tall and bulletproof. And they’ve shut off the switch that tells him "maybe this is not a good idea." If that switch is short-circuited it fools the user into thinking they can talk in front of large crowds. In their own mind they’re eloquent speakers, however in reality it is broken stories, broken English, and hopefully no broken bones.
The recently single relative
Marriage sucks, we know. Please keep it to yourself until they get through the vows at least.
The dance floor dominator
What’s in his head: "Damn I can dance. Everyone is looking at me. I am so awesome and I’ve got the moves. Oh yea! Look at me move. I’m a dance master." What’s in everyone else’s head: "That guy is a dance disaster. His wife is looking for a paper bag to wear on her head she’s so embarrassed. His poor kids. Is he well?"
The cousin you barely know
I think I remember you now. You’re my aunt’s second cousin on my grandfather’s side? No? My aunt’s fourth cousin to my re-married great-uncle on my mother’s side? No? OK. I can’t remember who you are, but it’s great you came. Someday we can sit down and you can draw me a flow chart.
The "sexy" dancer
The music man is awesome. He’s playing songs everyone is loving and dancing to. Then it happens. Your high school buddy hears a song that shifts his or her dancing from high gear into overdrive. The dancing is not only attracting attention, but guests are wondering if he/she has a medical issue causing convulsions. For the record, my offence was always C&C Music Factory. I will apologize now.
The advice giver
This person has good intentions, but finds it necessary to share every thought, idea and criticism with you on everything from napkin colour to songs you picked for your dances. If you have one or two of these people involved with your wedding consider yourself lucky. Most people to some degree are advice givers, and you want to seek out the ones who respect your opinion, and whose opinion you respect. Otherwise tell him/her to give any and all ideas/suggestions/critiques to the maid of honour/best man. Part of their job is to be a buffer.
The surprise drunk
Sheila doesn’t drink often, but at your wedding this is not the case. And not only is Sheila un-prepared for the consequences, so are you and your other guests. One minute Sheila was fine. The next, she’s dancing on tables taking clothing off, screaming at the top of her lungs. SURPRISE!
The gourmet food critic
I know it’s not veal. Get over it. I know its not five-star, or even three-star. I don’t care about how much the food you’ve had everywhere else is so much better. If you’re hungry, eat. If not, just put a roll in your trap to stop trash talking.
Thanks for your kind compliments on our centerpieces. Sure you can have one. Balloons? Sure, you can have those too at the end of the night. Wait a second. Why are Bonnie and Bill leaving with our wedding cake topper? And isn’t that the guestbook under his arm? Can someone please tell Bill that the tables and chairs in the hall actually don’t belong to us please?
The out-of-nowhere hook-up couple
He works for the NDP and she’s a PC speechwriter. They’re both in your wedding party, and you just hope they can get along without talking politics. Then midway though the night you find them talking "union issues" in the back seat of your brother’s hot rod. How did THIS happen?
I love to hear how your wedding was much bigger than ours. It’s also amazing to hear about your honeymoon to Hawaii when we’re just going to stay in a hotel in Brandon for a few days. Please tell me more. Everything at your wedding was just so much better than anything I’ve ever heard before. Can someone please get me a drink and make it a double?
Usually but not always female, this person, like the speech maker, has had far too much to drink. Therefore the waterworks switch is short-circuited. This person is happy? They start crying. This person is sad? They start crying. This person is trying to tell you how great of a friend you are and how much they really care about you? You guessed it, they start to bawl. Even seeing their kids do the Macarena makes them cry. "They’re getting … (sniff sniff) … so big … (sniff sniff) … so fast…" Just tie a box of Kleenex to their wrist already.
The open-bar monsters
How can we be out of rum AND vodka? And why is Tyler standing at the bar with Trent, Derek and Dean? Yup, if there’s an open bar, chances are you’re going to have at least a handful of monsters, maybe more. These guests are expensive and can often cause problems with security, the band, the food, the in-laws and even the law itself. I’ve been to a few weddings where the police have been called. Not on me, mind you, and not at my wedding, but I have seen it. I think that’s part of why you don’t see many open bars anymore. And maybe why my mailbox is getting emptier each spring.
JOKE THIS WEEK
A little boy at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
Shawna Nicholson Westwood
Sydney Younq Khalifa
Jessika Rochelle Chaskke
Republished from the Brandon Sun print edition January 25, 2014