UPDATE: To an item I brought you last week. Steve Antaya and Monique Perry were married two weeks ago today at a beautiful ceremony at the superintendent’s cabin at Clear Lake. There were some messy ribs, messy kisses and some messy pictures from a spectacular event, and fun had by all. After 27 years together it was worthy of mention and a picture from the affair is included in my column this week. Other pictures from the reception/stag/stagette are on Facebook and viewer discretion is seriously advised. Congrats you two.
What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog. OK, the joke is not new, but what IS new, is a study done by the National Sleep Foundation this week, that gave us some insight into your habits. Here are their findings:
• The average person sleeps six hours, 31 minutes but functions best after at least seven hours, 13 minutes of sleep. (New parents, remember what seven hours of sleep was like? Parents of teenagers, remember what seven hours of sleep was like? Why is it babies and teenagers seem to get the most quality sleep of all of us?)
• Only 44 per cent of us get a good night’s sleep every night. (This problem can be cured by watching the golf channel, or a Brandon city council meeting.)
• 66 per cent of people make their bed every day or almost every day. (This is probably why when you go to visit a friend, the bedroom door is always shut. It’s because the bed is a mess. And they don’t want questions about the mirrors and the stuff hanging from the ceiling.)
• 61 per cent of people need to air out their bedroom at least once a week. (This stat is kinda gross, and I know what you’re thinking. We need to make fart-fluffing a crime in this province. Not gonna happen. It’s one of the only simple pleasures of being old and married and full of gas. Now the "fart and cover" — that should be a crime.)
• 31 per cent of us take one or two naps a week, 15 per cent take three to five naps, five per cent take six to 10 naps, and one per cent of people take more than 10 naps a week. Some 49 per cent of people take no naps. And the average nap lasts 45 minutes. (So one in three are napping regularly. That’s in line with more than the average married person has sex. Are the two related? Well, 49 per cent of us taking no naps would explain why people are so grumpy nowadays.)
• 21 per cent of us sleep with our pets in the bed — second only to the United States for that high a rate among countries around the world. (This makes no sense to me. Why would you let your pooping, drooling dog sleep next to you and force you to be one of those 61 per cent that need to air out the mattress. And I’m such a big guy I might roll over in the middle of the night, and someth.....hey....wait a second...."Here boy, come sleep with papa.")
• 55 per cent of us sleep barefoot and 12 per cent sleep naked. (This statistic is disturbing if the 45 per cent with slippers or socks are also part of the 12 per cent that are naked. This should also serve as fair warning to fire-fighting personnel. We don’ all look like Brad and Angelina, so bring the welder’s goggles to the next house fire to protect that vision of yours.)
• The average person uses two pillows. But 14 per cent of people sleep with four or more — four or more? You can’t possibly have room for all those pillows.
Lynda Bullee: I have eight pillows
Jeannette Seaton: I use six pillows two under my leg one at my feet two at my back & one under my head.
Brandy Cassidy: I sleep with three, my hubby sleeps with one.
Siobhan English: Right now I have eight pillows lol. Two or my head and six to cushion and elevate my broken leg.
Jennifer Embury: Four
Jolene Balciunas: Four and a big comfy feather duvet that is like a huge pillow
Joslyn Eva Lawlor: Five
Talia Jean Poetker: Body pillow, pillow pet, super comfy duvet, a squishy teddy bear from Costco that’s gets used as a pillow regularly, a Jets pillow, oh and one other normal pillow AND one duvet.
Amanda Delaronde: My husband has eight and I only "GET" one.
Taylor MacDonald: I have three. Two under my head and one for the rest of my body.
Karen Prince: Three
Karen Kennedy: Four pillows.
Tyson Durocher: I use four pillows, all gel filled!
Jennifer Boake: I have at least four pillows, but I have been known to steal my husband’s too.
Jeremy Schmidt: Four
Leslie Huber: I have at least six pillows on my side of the bed. I hate warm pillows so find myself always rotating pillows throughout the night. I’d love them if they always stayed cold/cool.
Olga Olen’ka Antipova: I do have two big and two small pillows, but prefer none of them. I like sleeping without pillows!!
Looks like you’re the only one, Olga. Pillows are big business by the looks of things. I’m gonna start stealing hotel pillows. WHERE DO THEY GET THOSE?
I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on pillows over the years, trying to get the perfect one. In fact I think I’ve spent more on pillows than mattresses, and in the end, those darn hotels seem to always have the best ones! But like restaurants sharing secret recipes, they are never forthcoming in telling you where they get mattresses and bedding from. Fine. I’m just gonna steal from hotels. They’re not gonna tell me where they get them? They’re going bye-bye.
JOKE THIS WEEK
Top 10 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
8. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
7. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
6. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
5. "The coffee machine is broken...."
4. "Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot."
3. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!"
2. "I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
Lauren Heather Dixon
Krista Frecon- Borreson
Republished from the Brandon Sun print edition September 14, 2013