With the People’s Choice awards last week and this week the Golden Globes it’s officially the start of the Hollywood Awards season. I’m not a fan, but do find it handy to keep track of the winners so when it comes to watching movies on demand or Netflix, I can recognize some of the winners as something I might want to watch.
It is also funny to follow the awards shows while being logged onto Twitter. It’s really like watching a show with every class clown you’ve ever known your entire life times 10.
Every five seconds, someone is on Twitter trying to be, or actually is funny, as they insult, berate and make fun of people who are thinner, prettier and make more money than most of us can ever dream of. So its fun... right?
Tina Fey and Amy Poeler did a great job making fun of the stars at the Golden Globes this week, but really they were no match for people on twitter following #goldenglobes. And the nice thing is, the clowns online could be down the street or across the globe. There were people commenting on how nice Jennifer Lawrence looked who were from Brandon, and there were people making fun of P Diddy getting a "hug snub" from Bono from Brandon, Florida. Twitter can make it fun, and often can make it local. Otherwise these awards shows are B-O-R-I-N-G!
The 2014 awards season is slightly altered this year to make room for the Winter Olympics. And just in case you do like to see what the stars are wearing, what movies and TV shows are hot, and what music is being downloaded most, here’s your official guide.
Whatever you do, don’t engage anyone this award season in any type of Jennifer Lawrence drinking game. You will need a new liver. She is everywhere.
• People’s Choice Awards, Golden Globe Awards and the Critics’ Choice Movie Awards are now done.
• Screen Actors Guild Awards: Saturday, Jan. 18, 7 p.m. local, TBS and TNT
• Grammy Awards: Sunday Jan. 264, 7 p.m. local, CBS
• Golden Raspberry Awards: Saturday, March 1
These are funny and awesome. Known as the Razzies, these awards annually celebrate the absolute worst in film. The awards, now in their 34th year, are considered the "anti-Oscars" and feature categories like Worst Remake and Worst Picture.
• Academy Awards: Sunday, March 2, 6 p.m. local, ABC
The Oscars, "The Big One". The first Academy Awards were held in 1929 in the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel and have been televised since 1953. The awards honour achievements in film and are generally considered the most important awards in Hollywood. As many women watch this show as men watch the Super Bowl.
But its time once again to hand out our own awards. In past years we’ve nominated and awarded honours to local celebrities and politicians, but this year, our awards go to everyday people in everyday situations. I’ve listed the categories below, and you do the honours. I would bet that if you could, you would give away 80 per cent of the awards listed below to someone you know. There may be some categories where there might be a tie or multiple winners.
Anyway, review, decide and enjoy honouring those in your life who make it what it is: I present the Westman Golden Rear Awards!
Most impressive original soundtrack
Burping and farting at such levels as to over power the WestJet flight screaming over your farmyard from Calgary each day. A solid performance also sends the dog running for cover.
Excellence in Wardrobe
Finding away to bend the space time continuum when it comes to packing for a vacation. Not only have you kept the weight one-tenth of a pound under the airline limit, but you’ve managed to pack 234 outfits and 55 pairs of shoes for a six-day vacation. Nice job packrat. Nice job.
Construction, demolition and digging award
Otherwise known as "The Golden Gold Digger", this person will, without shame, "dig for gold" or picking their nose. Disgusting? Yes. Award winning? We have to give him something to brag about.
Superior Scouting Award
Goes to the nimrod with the inability to read a map correctly. Survivor is not just a game, but an actual term when travelling with this person. The goal, not to end up in a part of town where your hub caps are gone and so is anything else outside your car.
Outstanding Performance in a workplace
To the moron who ate your lunch in the fridge I put laxative in it, so watch for a soundtrack or decorator award to follow.
Magnificent Consideration in a household
For anyone who’s left an empty toilet paper roll or an empty bottle of milk in the fridge or an empty box of cereal in the cupboard, or a car with the gas light on.
Senseless Soundtrack Score
Most annoying street musician
Please. I just need a bottle of booze and I’ll be outta here. Please take this toonie and have someone teach you how to play that flute.
Fast and Really Furious award
For those who quickly park at the mall and leave no space between cars I ripped my shorts climbing past your damn car door. SQUEEZE!
Outstanding achievement interrupting a good night sleep
The nominees are fighting couple, car alarm, crying child or call in the middle of the night.
The Facebook Fabulous Time Waster Award
You’ve created the most status updates, you’ve invited the most people to play Farmville, you’ve created the most annoying groups and posted more pictures of kids and or pets than anyone on earth.
JOKE THIS WEEK
It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre. Claude, the hypnotist exclaimed "I’m here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…";
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into pieces.
"CRAP!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Centre!!
Claude was never invited back.
Republished from the Brandon Sun print edition January 18, 2014