Every year psychics around the world gather as the New Year approaches. Last year at this time, everyone was talking about the end of days on Dec. 21, the possibility of another massive earthquake that would see B.C. and California fall into the ocean, and even the possibility of Martians landing on earth.
All did not happen.
But its fun nevertheless to make horribly erroneous predictions of what may happen in the New Year, just to have some fun. So without further a due, I present to you — STUFF THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN in the New Year.
The following are my "ridiculous predictions" for 2013:
• Manitobans will be forced to put winter tires not only on their cars, but their bikes, three wheelers and wheelbarrows. Snow machines will be required to have metal spikes on the drive belt to make snowmobiling even safer in 2013.
• Brian Pallister will buy the most expensive house in Brandon at 3.3 million dollars, setting a new record. He also sets a record for overpaying for a property. Pallister announces plan to have million dollar home in every Manitoba community by 2018.
• Brandon tried to get West Jet to land here in 2012. But in 2013, 14 other airlines populate our city. The most popular flight is from Puddle Jumper Aviation. They have a regular route from Shoal Lake to Brandon. It is packed each day. Second most popular is Brandon to Virden, running at 90-percent capacity. Dauphin to Clear lake leg is expected to pick up come summertime. Very few are interested in Barf Bag Regional due to its name.
• Someone forgets to tell CFB Shilo about Target being a retail space and not, well a target. Thankfully the error is discovered before anyone enters the store, however the error means the store won’t open for another two years, while they rebuild.
• Brandon got a new police chief. This year there will be new uniforms. Anyone on the force will be allowed to dress like anyone from the cast of Hawaii 5-0. In fact the name of the police service will be changed to Brandon 5-0.
• January 13, 2013 is 01/13/13. What does this mean? Well, it will be the first time (01) we hit 31 degrees (invert 13 to 31) for (31 days also 13 inverted) in the history of Brandon weather records being kept. Palm trees begin to appear along 18th Street, Victoria Avenue, Richmond and First Street as the Lieutenant Governor’s Winter Festival gives away to the LG Winter Beach Party. Shorts, cold drinks and beach parties replace shivering in the cold for bangers and mash.
• Taxes will go down. Sales tax drops, property tax drops and the GST is eliminated. (Since this is ridiculous predictions it has to be in there.)
• The Brandon Wheat Kings not only make the playoffs, but due to the NHL Labour dispute, they play the Prince George Bantam AAA Ice Puppies for the Stanley Cup. Brandon once played for the Stanley Cup (actually true-in its infancy Brandon played in the Stanley Cup final and lost) and in 2013 will do it again. Only this time they win. And the largest parade in the history of Brandon goes down 18th, Richmond and 1st streets. Zambonis from across Manitoba take part and a commemorative coin is pressed by the mint. Once side is the Wheat Kings logo, the other side simply says "Chewy."
• Brandon builds its casino in the spring of 2013. Like Club Regent and McPhillips Street Station its run by the province. Elvis comes back from the dead to open the stage in the new casino, and Robert Deniro and Joe Pesci fly in to sign auto graphs, and deal the first hand of blackjack. The city is successful in building 64 affordable housing apartments directly above the casino.
• An un-named good Samaritan developer builds 10, three bedroom homes in Brandon and sells them for $100,000. While the city celebrates affordable housing, the owners flip each of the 10 homes for $260,000 within four hours of possession. They never move in.
• The world’s largest Ikea/Costco/Old Navy with a Red Lobster food court opens in Brandon. Shoppers bawl openly with joy and gratitude.
• Similar to Mayor Dave’s regular prayer at city hall, Mayor Shari will have a weekly session of koom-buy-ya. This will be a mandatory session for the Mayor and all counsellors, especially counsellor Montague, who will join Mayor Shari in singing koom-buy-ya each week in the foyer at city hall. Incense will be burned, and a sitar will be played, and it will be a time for love and hugs. The city is inspired and by fall, thousands gather for the weekly love in. (sniff sniff)
• The new Farmery beer was launched in 2012, and in 2013, Brandon will launch its own wine. Called Brandon Wines, it is quickly met with criticism and eye rolls, and a collective "pfff." However many quickly go online to complain about it only increasing its sales and it becomes the liquor commission’s hot seller by Christmas 2013.
• Speaking of booze, the new Liquor Mart Express stores are opened in every store that sells potato chips in 2013. Sell potato chips? Now you can sell beer, wine and hard liquor. In fact there will be sampling at 7-11 on weekends next to the slurpee machine.
• Premier Greg Selinger realizes a life long dream and runs away to join the circus in Belize. Upon careful reflection and much deliberation with his colleagues he realizes that he’s the best suited person in all of Manitoba to do so, and his childhood dream is achieved. Brian Pallister celebrates by purchasing a $5 million cottage at Clear Lake.
• After dozens of impaired driving charges in Brandon involving drunks trying to go through the drive through, all fast food restaurants with drive through windows will be equipped with breathalysers in the entranceway. Customers will be forced to blow before they go, through the drive through. Offenders will immediately be cuffed by police and will not get their happy meal.
• More concerts come to Brandon in 2013, including the Beatles, Garth Brooks on tour with KISS and Rita McNeil. (Scratch the last one, because Rita might just play here again in the New Year.)
• And finally a Manitoba DJ quits his highly successful morning radio show to run for mayor of a small prairie city. He solves all the problems of the world and wins the Nobel peace prize for everything, builds a waterslide park/theme park/Costco/casino/with affordable housing while putting a new roof and more seats into our new arena bearing his name on the side of it. All this while eliminating taxes and bringing Canada’s largest employers to the city. Due to this overwhelming good fortune, it never snows again, cold weather is a thing of the past, and everyone smiles at each other every day of the week while paying for each other’s coffee every day at Tim’s. This brings about the total destruction of the Internet, since nobody ever complains anymore.
The end. Happy New Year!
JOKE THIS WEEK
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating the New Year, with their 40th wedding anniversary.
Their special day came, and so did a good fairy. Since New Year’s and the couple’s 40th came at the same time, and they had been so good, each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!
Kristen Bonnie Paul
Republished from the Brandon Sun print edition January 5, 2013