Best sports jokes in 2025, Part II

The best of 2025’s notes, quotes and anecdotes (Part 2 — July through December):

• Globe and Mail columnist Cathal Kelly, on the lengthy contract awarded defenceman Morgan Rielly ‘that lasts until he’s about 80’: “Toronto should rehire Kyle Dubas so they can fire him again for agreeing to that.”

• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “Joey Chestnut once again won the 4th of July hot dog eating contest, eating just over 70 hot dogs in six hours. The real loser in this? Joey Chestnut’s plumber.”

• Another one from Kaseberg: “Chicago native Pope Leo wore a White Sox hat. Or as Cubs fans call it: the seventh sign of the apocalypse.”

• Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel: “By the way, can you imagine a negotiating session between Urban Meyer and a sports agent? You’d need a referee, a priest, a federal investigator and a tetanus shot.”

• Golf writer Joel Beall, after Day 1 of the Open Championship: “Would be cool to see Phil contend this weekend, if only for the chance he uses the ‘Champion Golfer of the Year’ speech as a plea to ‘release the (Epstein) files.’”

• Jack Finarelli at sports curmudgeon.com: “Braves’ bullpen had a ‘Bummer’ (Aaron) and a ‘Blewett’ (Scott) at the ready. Not exactly a great vibe.”

• RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “When James Harden of the Clippers finally quits basketball, he might be the first retiree to spend less time travelling.”

• Vancouver comedy guy Torben Rolfsen: “Water on Mars has been 100 per cent confirmed, with year-round ice. Get ready for Bettman to start sniffing round.”

• Another fark.com headline after the Mets acquired lefthanded pitcher Gregory Soto from Baltimore: “Mets decide two Sotos are better than Juan.”

• The late Bob Uecker, Mr. Baseball: “The biggest thrill a ballplayer can have is when your son takes after you. That happened when my Bobby was in his championship Little League game. He really showed me something. Struck out three times. Made an error that lost the game. Parents were throwing things at our car and swearing at us as we drove off. Gosh, I was proud.”

• Former MLB pitcher Tug McGraw: “Ninety per cent of my salary I’ll spend on good times, women, and Irish whiskey. The other 10 per cent I’ll probably waste.”

• Comedian Tommy Cooper, on the hazards of sports gambling: “Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.”

• Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel, on the ‘massive mess’ in U.S. college football: “Fixing it is like trying to stop a tornado with a ‘no trespassing’ sign.”

• Former MLB pitcher Jim Boutin: “Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?”

• Another one from fark.com: “SF Giants manager Bob Melvin talks about how the team can pull out of its current mess. Surprisingly absent: Firing Bob Melvin.”

• Another one from RJ Currie: “Elks QB Tre Ford was benched for Cody Fajardo after a week-six loss when he completed only four of 12 attempts for 34 yards with no touchdowns. I have a higher rate of passing kidney stones.”

• Norman Chad again: “The New Orleans announced Spencer Rattler as their starting quarterback. Thoughts and prayers.”

• Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun: “Give Tyson Barrie credit for a sense of humour on his retirement announcement. He said his decision was made ‘in tandem with the 32 NHL teams.’”

• Another one from Rolfsen: “The Blue Jays sold a record 92,221 hot dogs at their recent Loonie Dog night. Thankfully, nobody choked, other than Jeff Hoffman.”

• Rolfsen, after Bill Belichick’s North Carolina team lost 48-14 in its opening game: “Belichick is about one week away from appointing his girlfriend as defensive co-ordinator.”

• Another fark.com headline: “Vikings quarterback JJ McCarthy out 2-4 weeks due to paucity of talent.”

• Michael Rosenberg of SI.com after the U.S. fell far behind Europe on Saturday in the Ryder Cup: “I can think of some ways for the U.S. to win this, but they all involve food poisoning.”

• From fark.com: “The NBA takes a brief pause from its DraftKings and FanDuel sponsorship to lament the fact that it had to fire three more players for betting on their own games.”

• Rolfsen again: “People are asking if (Blue Jays’ reliever) Jeff Hoffman has earned John Schneider’s trust in October? Are you kidding? I wouldn’t trust him taking my kids out trick or treating.”

• Norman Chad again: “The Falcons lost 30-0 to the Panthers last week. Not scoring against the Panthers is like Ryan Gosling not scoring in a college bar.”

• Another one from Norman Chad on Twitter: “I hate to pick on Joe Flacco, but he’s 57 years old, has Metamucil for breakfast and has the mobility of a fire hydrant.”

• Headline at theonion.com: “Victor Wembanyama reports to training camp having added 25 pounds of hair.”

• Cathal Kelly, on Mariners’ fans booing Blue Jays’ George Springer: “They hate him because he was a mezzo-soprano in the Houston Astros’ garbage-can choir.”

• Another one from Torben Rolfsen: “There’s talk of a third ‘Goon’ movie. The producers said they’d need a budget of about $20 million. Connor McDavid said he could do it for $12.5 million.”

• A groaner from RJ Currie: “I hear police in Canada doubled radar patrols from Thanksgiving Monday to Thursday. No surprise — many folks exceeded the feed limit.”

• Kelly again, on Seattle’s poor post-season baseball record: “The Mariners are the Leafs on grass.”

• Eize Basa, on Bluesky: “Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.”

• Montreal Canadiens’ Brendan Gallagher, with an on-ice chirp to Florida’s Brad Marchand: “Oh, my God, your nose is even bigger in person than it is on TV.”

• Columnist Norman Chad, on X, on cries that gambling should be banned. “That’s like legislating that the sun could not rise. Trust me, the sun will still rise.”

• Columnist Norman Chad on X: “True story: I was watching Trey Yesavage as an 18-year-old freshman at East Carolina in 2022. He had a 4.50 ERA and a 1.731 WHIP, with 13 wild pitches and 15 walks in 26 innings. I told my bar buddy, ‘He’s working at Best Buy by year’s end.’ So once in a while I’m wrong.”

• Headline at fark.com: “Giannis Antetokounmpo walks from midcourse to the rim on one dribble, refs are like ‘hey, that’s cool.’”

• Super 70s Sports back when O.J. Simpson was a football broadcaster: “Let’s go down to the sideline for a report from O.J. who appears to be wearing his murder gloves now so everybody be careful down there.”

• Torben Rolfsen again: “I’m not sure about the NHL’s Frozen Frenzy (when all 32 teams played on the same night). It sounds like margarita night at an all-inclusive resort in Cancun.”

• Greg Cote of the Miami Herald: “Tom Brady cloned his dog: Is the Super Bowl legend-turned-Raiders part owner and mediocre broadcaster quirky, eccentric or just plain weird?”

• Jack Finarelli on his sportscurmudgeon.com site, on the weather in Winnipeg on Grey Cup Sunday: “The weather forecast for kickoff time in Winnipeg calls for the temperature to be 28 F and dropping. Anyone who can watch that game with a cold watermelon rind on his head for three hours deserves my support.”

• Cathal Kelly, on the Maple Leafs’ woes: “On Saturday, they played a statement game in Chicago. Their statement was, ‘Is it bedtime yet?’”

• RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “Canadian tennis star Felix Auger-Aliassime, got married after the U.S. Open. His wife, Nina, was game, Felix was set, and now they’re a match.”

• Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun: “A former Olympic coach on deciding who your third goalie is: ‘If you need your third goalie at the Olympics, you’re already in trouble.’”

• A golden oldie from Mets’ manager Casey Stengel, during an early 1960s mound visit with pitcher Roger Craig, with Giants slugger Willie McCovey about to bat: “Where do you want to pitch him, upper deck or lower deck?”

» Care to comment? Email brucepenton2003@yahoo.ca.