Be flexible when setting your New Year’s goals

At year’s end, it’s natural to take stock of ourselves and our accomplishments and to set New Year’s resolutions. And when you think about what a resolution is — a firm decision to do or not to do something — it sounds so laudable. It does require one to be, well, resolute: “admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering.”

But humans do waver. We blink. We bob. We weave. So when it comes to goals, a flexible mindset and a more achievable standard is needed. That means goal-setting with the right perspective on the problem and its solutions.

Kori Gordon, a certified life coach and hypnotherapist at Brandon, Manitoba Hypnosis and Life Coaching, said goal-setting is important to have something to work toward, but she isn’t keen on resolutions per se.

“I don’t typically recommend resolutions, mostly because they build the wrong foundation. Resolutions typically come from a place of shoulds, and that creates pressure, and then that pressure creates resistance, and the resistance makes us rebel and shut down or give up,” said Gordon.

She said it’s better to focus on intention rather than resolution.

“Intention takes us towards where we want to be, then it’s no longer about letting something go, otherwise the brain feels like: I’ve done this for so long. I can’t let that go,” she said.

“But if you can get clear on who you want to be and what that will feel like, it’s a different energy and it gives your brain something to work towards.”

As an example of how to set and achieve good goals, Gordon talks about some of the steps to quitting smoking. She said that the brain doesn’t really understand “I want to quit smoking.”

“But if it hears: ‘I want to be healthy and be able to take those deep breaths without struggling,’ that’s a whole different foundation and focus to work from,” she said.

Whatever your goal, it’s important to be clear on your values. Recognize what is important to you and not somebody else — your goal, not theirs. With outside pressure, a smoker might say they want to quit, but deep down, it’s not really what they want.

“They enjoy that cigarette. So they have to really get clear on their “why.” It’s digging deeper,” she said.

Maybe changing the behaviour is about more than good health. Maybe it’s about being able to breathe well enough to play with grandchildren. Or living long enough to see them grow up.

“Then you start connecting with enjoying those moments with family. It’s something positive to work towards,” she said.

Becoming situationally aware of your emotions and recognizing when stress, anxiety or fear are building can help you to stay the course. The body may show signs of stress like pacing, heavy breathing, shallow breathing, a racing heart or sweating.

“Learn how your body signals stress and overwhelm, or when you’re not in alignment with what’s important to you. Hear what the body and mind is trying to say. Then you can adjust rather than abandon your goal,” she said.

Warning signs can be tricky to identify because we may rationalize the undesirable behaviour. Someone might smoke and have the belief it relieves anxiety or stress.

She gives the example of a mom at home with small children who steps outside to smoke. Instead of admitting she just needs a break outside from the kids, she ties it to it being a better choice to not smoke in the house.

“The body and mind have learned that to have a break, she needs that cigarette. Her brain thinks that smoke is giving her that relief when it’s literally the step outside,” she said.

Good goals also have to be sustainable. They must fit “real life.”

“I had somebody come in with a laundry list of things she wanted to change. She wanted to reduce her stress. She wanted to be happier. She wanted to quit smoking. I said, cross the stop smoking off the list for now. We’ve got so much going on that you’re setting yourself up for a huge mountain to climb,” she said.

Balance priorities and build a solid foundation to tackle the tougher issues.

“If she had gone all-in and quit smoking, all of a sudden her body and mind is facing having to learn all these techniques to reduce stress and anxiety when smoking has satisfied that for many years. It becomes overwhelming.”

Balance and sustainability help to give momentum to “forward movement,” the sign you’re on track. Take small actions that feel achievable.

“Do the gentle check-ins. How am I feeling? What’s working? What needs adjusting? Just keep connected to your ‘why’ and doing those little course corrections. A really good question to ask in those reset moments is what do I need to support myself better next time? It’s an opportunity to adjust and learn and move forward,” she said.

“Remember — and this is huge — a slip is not a failure, it’s data.”

Acknowledge successes, too. Break your larger goal into achievable, incremental steps which become milestones. Instead of vowing to go to the gym, you might choose to start walking around the block. When you’ve accomplished four out of seven days, take time to acknowledge that and congratulate yourself.

“That gives us a direction. And when we have a direction, we thrive. It activates purpose, hope and sense of progress,” she said.

Achieving goals doesn’t demand perfection or happen overnight, she said. Be persistent and consistent.

“The thing to remember is you don’t need a new year to create a new beginning. January 1st is just a date on the calendar. Real change begins the moment you decide that your well-being matters,” Gordon said.

“Change isn’t about pushing yourself harder. It’s about supporting yourself better.”

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