Introducing the Nightcap Index
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Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 05/01/2012 (5048 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.
The other night, like many nights, I was thinking about having a nightcap before tottering off to bed.
I like having a nightcap for a couple of reasons — and I’m not talking about a glass of wine, or a beer, I’m talking about a drink. A mixed drink. Something that takes at least a little bit of effort, a bit of craft, even a bit of skill.
That’s part of what I think defines a nightcap, even more so than any alcoholic content.
It’s the process or deciding on something to make, crafting it simply yet sophiticatedly, and then sipping it that really relaxes me, and gets me wound down from a stressful day.
So I tweeted out that I was thinking about having a nightcap. And frankly, since I love the word nightcap — jut using the word pretty much convinced me.
My boss tweeted back that I should be seasonal — I should have a "night toque" instead. That’s the same as two nightcaps, I quipped.
And that’s when @JennArndt dropped this challenge in my lap:
Alright, Jenn. Challenge accepted.
Presenting:
The Nighcap Index:
1. The Night Cap — One drink, mixed carefully and skillfully. Sipped slowly to relax.
2. The Night Toque — On extra cold nights, you need to bundle up your insides, too.
3. The Night Bonnet — Bonnets are basically hats without brims. By a third drink, you’ll be brimming enough on your own.
4. The Night Balaclava — Four drinks before bed? You must really need to bundle up those insides.
5. The Night Stetson — Five drinks shows guts and grit. All-in-all, pretty cowboy of you.
6. The Night Fez — A stout red hat with a distinctive tassle is the only sensible name for a half-dozen pre-bedtime drinks.
7. The Night Helmet — You might need one, the way I think you’re starting to stumble.
8. The Night Beret — If you’re actually wearing a beret, you probably think you look better than you actually do. That goes for people who have eight drinks before bed, too.
9. The Night Dunce Cap — Self-explanatory, innit?
10. The Night Yarmulke — Worn under Jewish religious law to satisfy the requirement for a head covering. 10 drinks should make you humble before God as well.
11. The Night Fascinator — Really? Eleven drinks before bed? You fascinate me.
12. The Night Deerstalker — This classic hat, made famous by Sherlock Holmes, is as classic a detective symbol as a magnifying glass. And you’ll need to a detective, after a dozen nightcaps, if you want to figure out where your night went.
Perhaps not surprisingly, I haven’t yet run out of hat styles.
So, if you’re not drinking alcoholic versions of nightcaps — warm milk is traditional, perhaps an herbal tea? — and you might actually make it past a dozen, the Nightcap Index continues:
13. The Night Mortarboard — Congratulations! You’ve graduated to this higher level of nightcap!
14. The Night Fedora — But let’s be real, if you’re drinking this much before bed, maybe you want to keep it under your hat.
15. The Night Stovepipe — This might give you a little bit more room to keep it under your hat.
16. The Night Bowler — I am bowled over that anyone would have the kidneys to process this much liquid.
17. The Night Cloche — If there is any reason to drinnk 17 drinks, let it be to remember this darling hat from the 1920s.
18. The Night Baseball Cap — Two teams play nine innings. That’s 18. That’s how many nighcaps you had? That’s about how many nightcaps I have in two weeks!
19. The NIght Hard Hat — At this point, I don’t know if you need a hard hat, or whether some kind of stomach-lining protector might be better.
20. The Night Sombrero — Seriously, 20 drinks? You may as well have just shot a few ounces of tequila.
21. The Night Tam o’Shanter — Come on, I had to find a place for this hat! For the name alone!
22. The Night Trilby — Once viewed as the rich man’s favoured hat, this is an appropriate name for having had so many drinks that I don’t think I could afford it.
23. The Night Beanie — Don’t be a meanie, share your night beanie!
24. The Night Turban — I don’t care if it’s tea, milk or booze, I can’t wrap my head around this many drinks.
25. The Night Crown — You win. Seriously. Take the crown.
In related news, if you haven’t had enough jokes, there’s a whole website devoted to the Canadian Long John Index.