Real Madrid president Pérez’s apathy like a wound in salt

You know the schoolyard is out of control when parents’ phone calls to the office are the least of the principal’s worries.

Fisticuffs that end up requiring wheelchairs and trips to the hospital? Now those are actual problems. And when a third of the students simply refuse to acknowledge their teacher’s existence, you’ve got something deep-rooted on your hands.

Administration can only do so much. At some point the little brats must learn to play nice. Otherwise, they risk suspension from Escuela de Valdebebas.

Already, Federico Valverde and Dani Ceballos won’t be on the bus for Sunday’s field trip to Barcelona.

Involved in a Thursday punch-up with teammate Aurélien Tchouaméni that saw him crash headfirst into a table, Valverde had to be wheeled into triage where he was diagnosed with cranioencephalic trauma. Ceballos, meanwhile, claims to have an ankle injury, but his feud with manager Álvaro Arbeloa had him missing the trip regardless.

Tchouaméni, the other pugilist, will make the outing but probably shouldn’t. Like Valverde, he’s facing disciplinary action from the club and will likely be charged a hefty fine.

In another recent confrontation, left-back Álvaro Carreras had his face slapped by defender Antonio Rüdiger — something everyone seems to agree he fully deserved.

“Left hook, right punch to the gut,” as Olivia Rodrigo might say, or sing.

Speaking of, Liv has been enjoying her week-and-a-half in Barcelona. She’s performed a series of concerts, enjoyed the beach and sipped her afternoon tintos de verano. On Sunday, when Barça hosts Real Madrid in the Clásico (2:00 p.m., TSN2), she’ll not only be at Camp Nou, but also have her logo emblazoned on the Blaugrana shirts.

Some popular girls do like bad boys, but the ruffians still have to be vulnerable and endearing. Valverde, Tchouaméni, Ceballos, Carreras and Rüdiger are neither of those things.

Nor, for that matter, is Kylian Mbappé. The striker may have something of a rebellious streak, but he’s also unpopular enough as to be toxic.

As in, the most unpopular boy in his school, in all of Spain’s schools, and in every school, ever.

A petition demanding his removal from the Madrid squad has so far gathered more than 30 million votes. By comparison (and dryly pointed out by Tribuna), the landmark UN Millennium appeal for the cancellation of poor country’s debts garnered just under 25 million signatures.

Now, Mbappé didn’t issue coercive loans that hamstrung the world’s most vulnerable, but he did spend a bit of time on a yacht while supposedly rehabbing an injured thigh. Both are bad, but one is clearly worse. And the people have spoken.

The France international, who leads La Liga in goalscoring for a second straight year, will feature at some point in the Clásico, whether from the start or from the bench. But it won’t really matter.

Unless Madrid takes all three points back to the capital, it’ll be forced to watch as Barcelona wins the title. Talk about humiliating. An archrival claiming the trophy is devastating enough, but doing it in front of you? That bar better close after 11.

Typically, such dysfunction would be addressed by the teacher — in this case Arbeloa. He might put down his chalk and tactics board, cross his legs, fold his hands and talk about attitude, professionalism and how teamwork makes the dream work.

Only, at least six Madrid players no longer speak to him, which likely means they don’t listen to him, either.

Arbeloa’s predecessor, Xabi Alonso, became so exasperated with this group that he berated it for behaving like a nursery school. But you can’t yell at the students, so he was fired not long after.

The principal, Florentino Pérez, pushed for that decision and ensured the gentler Arbeloa was preferred to all other replacement candidates.

In many ways, Pérez owns this. He leads the recruitment and determines the culture. He also sets the example. And he’ll once again boycott the Clásico — a show of immaturity his players are only too eager to emulate.

In hindsight, the complete and utter breakdown at Real Madrid was entirely predictable. The two sets of parents who called the club to complain about their son’s lack of playing time only added degradation to the debacle.

If Arbeloa is a pushover, Pérez is a coddler.

One’s made it weird, the other’s made it worse.

winnipegfreepress.com/jerradpeters