Parenting Points – Parents should listen more, talk less
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Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 28/06/2012 (4855 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.
As parents, we tend to spend a lot of time talking at our children.
We tell them what to do, what it means, and how they should feel about it. We see a problem, and we want to fix it. After all, we have “been there, done that” and we know best.
But sometimes it may seem that the more we talk, the less they listen. When we take the time to really listen to our children, they will not only feel more comfortable talking to us, but it also gives them the opportunity to work through some of their problems on their own.
When your child comes to you with a problem, try some of these suggestions to help change some old listening habits into more productive ones:
Instead of half-listening, listen with full attention.
Sit down, make eye contact and listen to what your child has to say. Allow her to voice her anger, sadness or frustration and let her know you understand. In many cases, just being heard is enough.
Instead of questions and advice, acknowledge with a word “Oh…Mmm…I see.”
By keeping your responses minimal, he can continue to work through his thoughts, and hopefully come to his own conclusion. If you always offer a solution, your child does not have a chance to develop problem solving skills.
Instead of denying the feeling, give the feeling a name.
Sometimes parents may feel if they bring attention to a child’s feelings, it will only make things worse. This can be confusing to a child, and make her think that it is not OK to feel a certain way. If you identify her feelings — “That must have made you feel angry!” or “I can see that was very frustrating for you.” — she will feel validated and can start to move on to a solution.
Instead of explanation and logic, give a child his wishes in fantasy.
Not every problem needs to be solved. Rather than dwell on a disappointment, wish it away. “I wish we could stay at the park all day and never leave!” “I wish we could buy every toy in the store!” When a child is upset, he doesn’t want to hear an explanation of why he can’t have his way, he needs to know you understand how he feels. Only then will he feel ready to move on.
By talking less and listening more, you are able to offer your child much more support through a difficult time than if you simply tried to solve the problem yourself. You might also be surprised to find that the less you say, the more she will listen.
When you model good listening, your child will develop both communication and problem solving skills that will be helpful throughout her life.
Source:“How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk” by Faber & Mazlish.