More of what was funny on the field in 2024

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This article was published 02/01/2025 (355 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Here’s part II of the year’s best sports quips and quotes featuring bon mots from July through December.

• Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun, on players not necessarily loving their coaches: “Steve Shutt once said it best when he said players on the Montreal Canadiens hated Scotty Bowman 364 days a year but loved him on the day they got their Stanley Cup rings.”

• Comedy guy Torben Rolfsen of Vancouver: “Lots of American friends asking me tonight how hard it is to get Canadian citizenship. Learn the hockey rulebook and name three Stompin’ Tom Connors’ songs.”

• RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “In early November, 1963, Ronald Howes marketed the first Easy-Bake Oven — three years before the start of the Maple Leafs last Stanley Cup-winning season. Since then both have run on the same principle: just replace one dim bulb with another hoping the final product won’t be half-baked.”

• Bob Molinaro of pilotonline.com (Hampton, Va.): “Next week marks the 40th anniversary of the NBA draft, in which the Rockets selected Hakeem Olajuwon No. 1, the Portland Trail Blazers took Sam Bowie second and the Bulls reluctantly chose Michael Jordan third.”

• Headline at fark.com: “Just like Crazy Eddie’s prices, French Olympic officials say scheduled water events will be in Seine.”

• Another fark.com headline: “Max Scherzer addresses trade deadline rumours and says there is only one team he wants to be on the injured list for.”

• New York Post columnist Phil Mushnick, who said soon-to-be Fox analyst Tom Brady was getting advice from NBC’s Cris Collinsworth: “That’s like taking singing lessons from Yoko Ono.”

• Torben Rolfsen again: “Cleveland Guardians drafted Travis Bazzana first in the MLB draft. I hope at some point he gets to play for the Savannah Bananas. That would be awesome.”

• Jack Finarelli on his website sportscurmudgeon.com, quotes from a note he received from a reader named Barry: “Reminder that the term ‘Home Run’ is incredibly offensive to homeless people, people in wheelchairs and especially homeless people in wheelchairs.”

• Another one from Currie: “OHL and WHL junior hockey players are suing to be paid minimum wage. League representatives were quoted as saying: ‘Who do they think we are? The CFL?’”

• Another one from Bob Molinaro: “Jim Harbaugh’s vigorous public denial of knowing anything about Michigan’s sign-stealing scheme would have impressed Sgt. Schultz.”

• Another one from Simmons: “Every Olympics, in my view, should have women’s softball and men’s baseball. How those rank below break dancing, pairs race walking, rock climbing and surfing is beyond me.”

• From fark.com: “Lamar Jackson thinks he’s better known for No. 8 than Troy Aikman. The defence attorney calls Steve Young, Cal Ripken and the ghost of Kobe Bryant to the witness stand.”

• L.A. Rams wide receiver Cooper Kupp: “When the ball’s in the air, as a receiver, it’s just you want to be a Frisbee-catching dog out there.”

• St. Louis GM Doug Armstrong, justifying making offer sheets to two Edmonton Oilers, Philip Broberg and Dylan Holloway: “I’d offer-sheet my mother if it would make the Blues better.”

• Kendall Baker of Yahoo Sports, on the eve of the start of the college football season: “Yahoo! It’s Friday! My weekend to-do list: (1) Watch college football. (2) … Oops, looks like that’s the whole list.”

• New York Post reader Ken Mortenson, after a graphic near the start of the North Carolina-Minnesota football game on Fox said a key to the game was for UNC to ‘Play Complimentary Football.’: “Apparently victory for UNC is based on saying only nice things to the Gophers during the game.”

• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “Dolphins QB Tua Tagovailoa suffers concussion. It is bad. Tua said he wants to play for the Carolina Panthers.”

• Headline at theonion.com: “Bengals Coaching Staff Holding Breath After Joe Burrow Endures Rough High-Five”

• RJ Currie again: “After claiming the baseball hit his foot, Jose Altuve of the Astros took off his shoe and sock to let the umpire see his tootsies: “To prove he had toed the truth.”

• Sign held by a fan at the final home game of the Oakland A’s, who are moving to Las Vegas: “Today, there is crying in baseball.”

• Eamon Lynch of gulfweek.com: “LIV wound down its season with a now-familiar whimper, its finale awarding Jon Rahm $18 million, or 200 bucks for every viewer watching.”

• Headline at fark.com. after a stray bullet struck an Ohio golfer in the leg: “Golfer with two legs gets a hole in one.”

• Another one from Alex Kaseberg: “The selfish divas in the WNBA are complaining bitterly about the media focus on Caitlin Clark, whose great play has increased attendance. Those WNBA morons would win the lottery and complain about paying the taxes on it.”

• Torben Rolfsen again, on the arena-record $120,000 in beer sales at Utah Hockey Club’s opening game against Chicago: “I didn’t think they drank in Utah. Must have been those 500 Blackhawk fans.”

• Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel, on Cowboys’ 81-year-old owner Jerry Jones threatening the jobs of two radio hosts following a blowout loss by Dallas to the Lions: “Too bad the Cowboys can’t put him out to pasture like the Democrats did with Joe Biden.”

• Jack Finarelli again: “Cleveland Browns: When your starting QB goes out for the year and many folks believe that is a positive occurrence for your team, that team is incompetent.”

• Another fark.com offering; “The NY Jets can’t buy a touchdown, heading for a 2-15 season. Jets’ execs: Better raise prices.”

• Comedy writer Brad Dickson of Omaha: “I just had my first trick or treater. The kid was facing the wrong direction, seemed totally confused, his shirt was inside out, he’s shouting ‘I hate Nebraska!’ I said, ‘Who are you supposed to be?’ The kid goes, ‘A Big Ten football referee.’”

• Headline at the onion.com, ridiculing a Fox Sports baseball announcer: “MLB Adds Clock To Speed Up Joe Davis’ Commentary”

• RJ Currie again: “Not long ago, former WWE star Christy Hemme gave birth to quadruplets. Things got a little tense during delivery when she broke a chair over her obstetrician’s head.”

• Vancouver humorist Steve Burgess, after someone suggested Roughriders’ QB Trevor Harris would dominate the Blue Bombers in the CFL’s West final: “I hope so, but last time someone predicted a Harris landslide it didn’t work out so well.”

• Headline at the onion.com: “LeBron James Denies Son Receiving Preferential Treatment When Being Lifted Up To Dunk”

• RJ Anderson of CBSsports.com., on Juan Soto’s free-agent search for an MLB landing spot: “Soto and agent Scott Boras are taking meetings with various teams’ braintrusts to determine which club is the best possible fit. (Spoiler: it’ll be the one that offers the most money.)”

• Torben Rolfsen again: “The Dallas Cowboys have to get back to what made them successful in the ‘70s and ‘80s: Recreational drugs, driving infractions and strippers.”

• From The Sports Troll, on Facebook: “Disgusting scene at AT&T Stadium in Dallas as security forced a Cowboys’ fan to stay and watch the game all the way to the end.”

• Former NHLer and regular TV analyst Paul Bissonette, after intervening in a restaurant squabble in Scottsdale, Ariz., and winding up fighting with seven men: “Took some, gave more.”

• Brad Dickson again, on the Nebraska-Iowa college football game: “Special promotion tonight at Kinnick Stadium (in Iowa City). The 5,000th fan through the gates gets to be Iowa’s backup quarterback.”

• Michael Traikos of the Hockey News, on the controversy surrounding offer sheets: “It’s the NHL equivalent to asking out someone who is wearing a wedding ring.”

• From the Canadian parody site The Beaverton: “Report: Juan Soto in talks with Ohtani about best way to get Canadians’ hopes up before crushing their dreams.”

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