‘Grandma Liz’ has to go

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 03/07/2010 (5573 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

By Tyler Glen

Thursday was Canada Day.

Amid all the red and white, the cold drinks and the hot sun, the celebrations and the celebrities, we had a party crasher.

A famous senior citizen who claims to have some kind of connection to a country I simply do not know. To me she’s Grandma Liz. I know I’m going to get mail for this week’s article, but I’m not worried.

I’m on holidays for the next three weeks, and heads will have cooled by the time I return.

Who is Grandma Liz you might ask?

You know, the most famous grandma on Earth, Elizabeth Alexandra Mary, otherwise known as the Queen of England. Here’s a homework assignment if you are reading this and through some allegiance or historical passion you feel your blood start to boil over, due to my apparent lack of respect for the Queen; ask anyone under 40 why we have a queen. You will be sure to get a stunned look and a shoulder shrug.

“I dunno” may be a common answer, or “Beats me.”

The truth is, since 1982 Canada has, and continues to be an independent nation. But for the sake of some grand tradition, we maintain ties to a monarchy that costs you and I more than any citizen of England. She is considered our head of state.

Every time there is a “speech from the throne” (actually a speech from the government, usually premier or prime minister), the Queen’s rep reads the thing, like it’s from her.

When the PM wants to do anything significant, he has to go “ask for permission” from the Queen’s rep, and do you know what she says 99.999 per cent of the time? “Whatever you think.”

If you were hiring a financial adviser and every time you asked his/her advice they said, “What ever you think,” why have one? As far as I’m concerned a speech from the throne in this country should consist of no more than “Honey, we’re out of paper”.

According to the chief operating officer of the Monarchist League of Canada, the monarchy costs us $1.53 per person, per year. Doesn’t sound like much.

But according to Buckingham Palace, that cost for people in Britain is $1.32.

What? Where does she live again? So let me get this straight, we pay more for the “replica” than the “real thing?”

Your taxes pay for national reps, and one for each province, too? That’s like saying I’m going to pay more to see an Elvis impersonator in Brandon than the real Elvis in Memphis!

(I know Elvis is dead but you get the point). Not that I’m against tradition.

Let’s look at Santa Claus. Everyone knows Santa is real.

There is one and only one. But at Christmas time it’s pretty busy, so Santa’s helpers are in stores and malls to help Santa’s workload, much like the Queen’s federal and provincial reps. But Santa’s bill is paid by the private sector.

Imagine if it was paid by government. What about people who don’t celebrate Christmas? What about people who don’t like the commercialism of Christmas and don’t go see Santa. Why their tax dollars for Santa’s helpers? Why pay for Grandma Liz’s helpers?

Any time anyone royal needs something, it’s not paid for out of her wallet, it comes from yours. Expenses, housing, salaries, as well as the cost of running the offices of the Governor General and 10 provincial lieutenant-governors. $1.53 doesn’t sound like much, but it works out to more than $50 million a year!

At least Santa’s helpers give you an orange, candy cane and colouring book.

What does the lieutenant-governor give you other than a bill for eating fancy food and driving around in fancy cars?

The Ontario lieutenant-governor has nine staff members, and the province runs a 102-room official residence for its lieutenant-governor.

Is Manitoba any different?

Politicians pick these reps and give the post to “friends,” who then cut ribbons, eat fillet minion, are chauffeured around and given a free mansion to live in.

No wonder the Americans kicked the monarchy out. Let’s get real.

When I buy something, I get something in return. It’s called value. When I pay my taxes, I get a military to protect me, a doctor to fix me, teachers for my kids, police to arrest bad guys and a fire department to put out my house fire.

Royalty gives me a big fat zero. An American friend asked me about the monarchy last year, to which I replied, “The U.S. and Canada are like brothers. We both come from the same parents (U.K.). You were the older, brasher, arrogant, confrontational, independent brother who moved out early and now has a good relationship with Mom and Dad. In Canada, we’re 41 and still live with our parents.”

According to a Canada Day poll by Strategic Council, 30 per cent of Canadians feel a connection to the Queen, and 65 per cent think ties to the monarchy should be cut once the Queen dies. Thanks for the memories, Grandma Liz.

Next time you visit, can you bring some cookies?

JOKE OF THE WEEK

St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth quickly runs to the biffy and returns in less than 10 seconds.

St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes St. Peter.

St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly. When Dolly asks St. Peter why Elizabeth was let in, Peter replies, “A royal flush always beats a wild pair.”

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