Streaking: The naked truth

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 24/04/2010 (5825 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

There is such a thing as too much technology.

At some point, technology stops serving us — and starts freaking us out. This might be the time. There is now an application for the iPhone called "Nude It," which allows you to point your iPhone at a friend — and then see what that person would look like nude. (Or, more accurately, what they look like in their underwear.)

I haven’t tried the app and most likely will never have that app tried on me, but apparently you do not need an iPhone app to see your fellow Brandon citizens naked. Just go grocery shopping on a Saturday.

The afternoon of April 17, an unidentified Brandon woman walked down Victoria Avenue completely natural, only to be quickly covered up, and apprehended by city police.

Why did she do it?

I put the call out to her to come on the new Star morning show and she accepted, and will come on to explain herself Monday morning. But only if I promise to keep her identity a secret, and of course I will.

Originally, my first thought when I heard about the incident, was somebody was taking sunbathing a little too far, and let’s face it, some large men these days might be mistaken as a woman, and with the wrong bottoms, well need I say more.

But no, our reports from people on the scene say it was like the Ray Stevens song "The Streak," complete with someone screaming "don’t look Ethel; it was tooooo late." I love that song.

If a streaking event angered you in any way or you were offended or your children are asking questions, go to YouTube, play the song "The Streak" and sit back and have a good laugh.

Why? Because nobody was hurt, and we all do stuff naked. Some of us even do it in public, and don’t realize it. Maybe not on a main drag in Brandon, but it’s naked in front of strangers just the same.

The January issue of Glamour magazine revealed some common in-the-buff behaviour among its female readers. For example:

* 44 per cent of women say they’ve flashed a stranger!

* 51 per cent have vacuumed, cooked or done other chores in the buff.

* 55 per cent have surfed the web in the nude.

* 30 per cent say nude photos of them exist … and seven per cent say their ex has ’em!

* 56 per cent sleep with "jammies in da drawer."

* 50 per cent won’t get fully undressed in the locker room.

* 46 per cent are self conscious about their bellies when baring it all.

Bellies I can bare.

Legs are not an issue and even "moobs," while embarrassing, aren’t quite at the point where babies are jumping out of their mother’s arms to get at me.

But as for streaking? Not a chance. I’m embarrassed to have people see me run with my clothes on, let alone naked. And "things" for both men and women are bound to "bounce" while running which sounds horribly painful.

And don’t get me started on cooking bacon naked.

That is a painful exercise in dangerous cuisine preparation!

Streaking has been around for centuries, but wasn’t called "streaking" until 1974, when Academy Award winner David Niven was upstaged by Robert Opel as he ran naked behind him. (another one to find on YouTube.)

You see it at football games, hockey games, rugby and soccer games in Europe and on the street in many cities, and now apparently our city.

Streakers do it for a laugh and/or some attention. Streaking used to be people running naked, but now it includes people skydiving, cycling, parachuting and even rollerblading. All which sound far to painful for me even to imagine.

Streaking is illegal, so if you get caught there are serious legal consequences. But roller blades are your best chance to make a clean getaway.

But again a warning; anything hanging, could be dragging, and thus get caught in a spoke, wheel, chain or otherwise and you’ll be singing notes so high, only four legged animals will hear your cries. If we have another incident of streaking I will be the first to let you know.

Consider me your source for Brandon’s "naked news". I will be sure to keep you abreast of any developments.

 

JOKE OF THE WEEK

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to very serious health risks.

As he wondered how he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. Desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the three-day 10-pound weight loss program.

The next day, there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a beautiful woman dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few kilometres later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her.

He thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders the five-day/20-pound program.

As expected, another beautiful woman with a simple sign and sneakers, but a faster runner this time. The sign read; "If you can catch me, you can have me."

For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the seven-day/ 50-pound loss program.

"Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program …"

"Absolutely," he replies. "I haven’t felt this great in years!"

The next day, there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"