Morning Mess — Brandon’s biker gangs — not really

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/05/2015 (3968 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Recent events in Waco, Texas, have shown us motorcycle gangs are alive and well. And so is the violence and destruction many of them take part in. But there are some groups who ride a little quieter, and drive a little slower, and take a more low-key approach to getting together on the road.

Whether part of a group of bikers or out on your own, May is motorcycle safety month. It’s important to remember bike riders have the same rights as motorists, so remember to share the road and look twice when you are getting over or pulling out into traffic.

Experts say it’s also important to remember not to tailgate riders because they can stop a lot faster than you can in a car. Bike riders are also advised not to ride in the blind spot of drivers. Remember, if you can’t see the driver, they can’t see you either.

Another thing not to forget is that motorcycle riders have little to no protection when they are on their bike so be extra cautious. But back to biker gangs.

While mentioning many are dangerous, others are not. Some raise money for charity, and locally I know of one that protects children and discourages predators from settling in our neighbourhoods. And then there are the defunct biker gangs.

Many don’t realize that over the past number of years, many biker gangs have attempted to “get off the ground” in Manitoba, but were simply unsuccessful. Many have tried to ride with the sun at their backs and their buddies at their side, but few have succeeded. In fact, when it comes to this “nasty nine,” none of them succeeded, and today I tell you why.

Here are the bike gangs that never rode:

• Star Wars Warriors — Fans of this sci-fi movie franchise are not good at assembling those who may look tough. You would think with characters like Darth Vader and bounty hunters, and dark villains like storm troopers, it wouldn’t be a problem. Only in Brandon, the group that showed up for the first ride was Yoda, a guy in a ripped, Kool-Aid stained Chewbacca costume, Luke Skywalker sporting a mullet, and Princess Leia with cinnamon buns glued to a pair of ear muffs. They quickly disbanded and went home to watch the entire trilogy in reverse.

• Pitch Perfect Pose — They sounded good. But a singing bike gang made up of young women resembled the cast of “Grease” more than a bike gang. Initially bumping into a potential rival gang, the girls were quick to take out their cups, and start slamming and singing in front of the other bikers. Applause ensued. And the girls took their pink bikes home and put them up for sale on the Internet. The other gang is still clapping.

• Letterman’s Lynch Men — Fans of the late night talk show tried to start this bike gang in honour of the star many times. In 1999, Paul Shaffer made a stop in Brandon and the group got together to smash some keyboards, but nothing stuck. In 2004, Letterman mentioned Manitoba in a top 10 list and four of the original 12 members tried to get back together but all had full schedules. They were busy seeing dentists, to get gaps put INTO their teeth in honour of the star. And now on the eve of his retirement, two of the originals want to ride one last time. But someone has to sign them out of the home first before they can go. If anyone wants to sign them out, I have the number. But you’re responsible for them. Do motorbikes have training wheels?

• Fast and Fabulously Furious — Getting their name from the movie of fast cars and pure adrenaline was not a good idea. Another group that is not especially intimidating, they quickly disbanded when they realized they were gathering to watch more Dancing with the Stars than actual riding of motorbikes. They were also constantly seen in parking lots, bikes running, screaming at each other “it’s sooooo loud. Does this sound too loud to you?” over and over. But they looked good. Dang, they were a fashionable bunch of bikers, just too in love with reality TV. That and the gift of sensitive hearing.

• Chrest’s Cookie Monsters — Weeks after becoming mayor, Rick, in a desperate attempt to gain some street cred, assembled some posse that included members of city hall. Together they would ride from grocery store to grocery store, buying up all the chocolate chip cookies. Then they would buy up all the milk. Oh, they were bad boys (and girls) all right. That was, until this investigative reporter busted the cookies and milk ring and sent them packing. That and a doctor’s note from a couple of city council members warning of diabetes if the shenanigans continued.

• Kanye’s F….L…..M……F……B — Can he stop cursing long enough to do anything? You know when real bikers in real bike gangs don’t want anything to do with Kanye; he’s pushed it too far. However, his group of hooligans is still together, although no longer on bikes. The Kardashians formed a club known as the “material girls of reality TV,” or MARTS for short. They’re now known as the K-MARTS. The only thing they intimidate is the credit card machine.

• Bill Turner’s Irish Stew — The radio guy’s been known to get rowdy where there’s music, and he’s not alone. This is why a few years back Bill almost had his own posse, to ride alongside him and his wheels, affectionately named “Lucille.” But many of the members complained Bill stayed up too late, and Bill was just too fast for them. As he readies to retire this fall, it is entirely possible you may see “Big Bad Bill” and a resurrected group of Irish dancers howling in the night. At least I think that’s howling. Then again, Bill lets out a scary howl when he stubs his toe. Or eats eggs.

• TV Reporters Rapture — After all the incidents involving people on the street screaming profanity at TV reporters, they banded together to form their own gang. However, when it came to speaking to the public, constant fistfights over the microphone meant nobody was ever in charge. Add to that the hours of time spent in hair and makeup, the crew never had time to cruise the street on their bikes. In constant fear of bugs in the teeth, they quickly disbanded and now spend their evenings admiring themselves in the nearest mirror.

• Neil Thomson’s Hairband Hellraisers — The GM of the Keystone Centre rides with all the ’80s hairbands that have worked their way through Brandon the last five years. Gene Simmons, Mötley Crüe and the cast-off Trooper have Neil’s home phone number on speed dial. And when they want to saddle up and drive through a blinding snowstorm, or get eaten by mosquitoes as big as birds, in 100 F heat going 70 miles an hour, they simply pick up the phone. Neil’s still waiting for the call.

BIRTHDAYS

Daryl Drozda •Lisa Solomon •Alisha Dawn • Donna Graham • Elaine Helen Addison • Betty Reynolds • Coco Mojito • Janell Naylor • Ricky Paggao • Kristen Kolynchuk

JOKE THIS WEEK

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway on their motorbike at well over 100 miles per hour.

“Hey,” asked the brunette in front, “see any cops following us?”

The blonde turned around for a long look. “Yea. I see some following us now!”

“Oh, NOOOO!” yelled the brunette. “Are his flashers on?”

The blonde turned around again. “Yup… nope… yup… nope… yup…”

» Tyler Glen is a radio DJ on Star-FM. He writes a weekly column for the Brandon Sun. Twitter: @Tyler_Glen