Morning Mess – Giant burrito will haunt me forever

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 25/05/2017 (3264 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Beware of food bought at gas stations.

Now, I’m not talking about super-fill mega stops that have fresh food and restaurants attached. I’m talking about little, out-of-the-way, four-pump gas stations in small corners of the world that have something resembling food to put into something resembling a toaster oven/microwave/ pizza oven to heat up for you.

Some recent news stories might make you second guess some of your favourite stops. In California, Lavinia Kelly was driving home from work on April 21 when she stopped at Valley Oak Food and Fuel gas station for a snack. After buying a bag of Doritos, she drizzled them with nacho cheese sauce and the next day went to hospital to be treated for double vision. Though she was sent home, a few hours later, Kelly was having breathing problems. Since then, she has been hospitalized and is in intensive care being treated for botulism.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, nacho cheese from gas stations is linked to a botulism outbreak in California that has made at least 10 people sick and killed one after Martin Galindo ate some nacho cheese and died from a severe case of botulism.

I know cigarettes kill. Drinking and driving kills. But nacho cheese? Before we all panic, it’s important to remind you this is a story from “south of the border.” But I too have a similar story from a trip two years ago when my family travelled to Minneapolis. And forgive my honest detail, but we all should be very careful about buying food at “fill-up USA.” Although my outcome was nowhere near as severe, it does make a person think twice the next time they grab something fast from an out-of-the-way gas station.

We had stopped in Fargo on the way to Minneapolis when we got in late. After a few cold beverages after a long drive, my son and I walked across the street from our hotel to the local Taco Bell, looking for some late night snacks. The restaurant was closed, but the drive-thru was open. I even attempted to walk through the drive-thru, pretending to be a vehicle so I could get my hands on a delicious Taco Bell taco or a burrito, but no luck.

We were hungry, however, and I wanted my burrito. So we walked one block down to a little gas station that served your standard drinks and snacks and microwaveable items. The rest of the family played it safe with some Doritos, a chocolate bar and pop, while I played Russian roulette with my health and went for a burrito … for 99 cents. Not just any burrito, it was a giant, one-pound burrito. And being it was late at night, and I’d had a couple of cold ones, I didn’t really give much thought to the fact that I was buying something that weighed one pound and cost less than a dollar.

In fact, I was so convinced that it was going to be the best deal of all time, I bought two of them just in case another family member looked at my treasure and said, “I wish Dad bought one for me.” But like most things bought in darkness, only later to be seen in the light, nobody wanted any of my burrito action. I enjoyed my burrito as the rest of my family enjoyed their snacks. And you know, it actually wasn’t too bad. When I bit inside of it, I found mostly nacho cheese, a couple of chunks of something that look like meat and of course the burrito wrapping. We all finished our snacks and went to bed.

The next morning we were up early to go to Minneapolis. Upon checking my oil before leaving, I quickly realized that the rumblings down below had nothing to do with the motor oil in my van. It was me and my burrito causing some issues. Issues that I will not detail here, but needless to say I had to visit the washroom before we left on our trip down Interstate 94. I no sooner got back into the vehicle, packed with family, when all of a sudden nature called again.

Since this time we had checked out of our hotel just 20 minutes earlier, we went to yet another gas station where we filled up with gas. Notice no burrito purchase this time while my second one got left behind. I wish I had never had the first.

Several bathroom stops and three apologies to my family later, we hit the road. Let me tell you, it was the quietest road trip we have ever made. For four hours, complete silence as I held my breath driving from Fargo to Minneapolis. I can tell you where every major bump is on I-94 as I clinched my teeth, tearing up every 30 miles, as I drove as quickly as I could to get to the Twin Cities.

When we approached city limits at Albertville I could’ve cried as I heard angels sing and the sky open up. Just as in a movie, the clouds broke and the sun came out. I hadn’t moved or took a deep breath in 250 miles. I was so happy to be near a washroom I think I hugged it.

I still dream about that burrito. In fact, I have nightmares about that burrito. That burrito will haunt me forever. Don’t let that happen to you. If you are ever in an American gas station and see something that is one pound — a hamburger, a burrito, a giant perogies or a pizza — and it cost less than a dollar, then it truly flies in the face of science and contains something your body just should not be subject to. I’ve learned my lesson. I hope you’ve learned too.

Signs you’ve mistakenly bought gas station food:

• The gas is unleaded but the food isn’t.

• The hotdogs are the healthiest thing on the menu.

• You actually miss the food from prison.

• Your gas is so bad they put you on the roof rack.

• All the food comes with a Tums antacid.

• You go from the food stand right to the bathroom.

• Everything smells like diesel fuel.

• You’re happy meal comes with a free roll of toilet tissue.

• The waiter is wearing an Exxon shirt.

JOKE THIS WEEK

A southerner in overalls walks into a gas station and says to the manager, “I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?”

The manager gives the man in overalls a bent coat hanger. A few minutes later, he goes out to check on him. As he approaches the redneck working the hanger in window, he notices another guy in overalls inside the car, coaching “No Bubba, no! A little to the left.”

BIRTHDAYS

Cody Dyck • Jeanette M. Herring • Meagan Warken • Kali Shackel • Kristin Mckenzie • Leslie Pearson • Kelly Hofer • Jay Woloski

» Tyler Glen is a radio DJ on Star-FM. He writes a weekly column for the Brandon Sun. Twitter: @Tyler_Glen